Larkspur Executive Director, John Christian Phifer, shares his experience of grief and mourning after Pet Loss, as well as how natural burial can be a helpful way for people to honor their animal friend.
When Nelson died in 2021, I was unsure as to how to reach out to people. How would I tell them that the creature, who I spent more time with than any human, was gone? I felt almost silly about it. I mean, I’m a grown ass man crying over a little dog. Nobody cares, right? Suck it up. It doesn’t matter. There are bigger things going on in the world. People are dying of Covid for Christ’s sake.
I felt completely out of control. I cried more over a 16 year old Cairn Terrier than I did over the body of my 94 year old grandmother. Nelson was always there. Unconditionally. I was responsible for his everyday life and I knew I was crazy about him, but I never expected losing him to be this hard. Is it possible that one of my most profound connections with another being in the world was with a dog?
Nelson died on a Thursday morning after suffering a seizure on our morning walk. The emergency VET agreed it was time and that if any treatment was to be successful it would only be temporary. Since I’ve spent my life studying death, I knew quality of life far outweighed quantity. Looking back at old videos, I could see how much he aged and how much he slowed down. It was almost as if I thought he would just live forever. Nelson was tired. I didn’t want to be the one to drag him along on a selfish leash for my own comfort or happiness.
It was important to me to spend a few last moments with him. I told him what a good boy he was and how much I loved him. I whispered to him, “I’m right here.” I rubbed his face and ears just how he liked it, and he slowly lowered his head into my palms. I curled him up in his favorite blanket and wrapped my arms around him. He was gone.
I took him home and placed him on his bed in the living room while the sunlight dappled across him. It was his favorite spot. I laid myself down on the floor beside him in disbelief, not really knowing what to do. I tried to listen to my own advice that I often give to families: be still, slow down, don’t rush, be gentle with yourself
Friends and neighbors came in to visit, some brought flowers, others cookies or a bottle of bourbon. Others brought cards, more bourbon…
He looked just like he was sleeping (he was always great at naps). I kept thinking to myself, I can’t believe he’s dead, and he’s just in my living room. But it’s exactly the way it should have been. It’s the way it used to be when a family member died. After death, loved ones were kept at home for folks to come by and say goodbye. That designated time for mourning respected the weight of such loss, and gave everyone a space to honor life.
Before modern medicine they called this time “the wake” because they literally wanted to make sure death was real and the dead didn’t wake up. I’m glad I took that time for myself, my friends, and the neighbors that loved Nelson.
The following day I drove to Camden to my childhood home, the little farm where I grew up and began my care for the dead. My family calls it “Little Larkspur.” We dug a grave down near the creek. Nelson was buried on a bed of moss with roses and larkspur—flowers friends had sent. He went back just as he came in, a little black, gray, and brown dog in a big ol’ world. We planted a fern on his grave and more bright green moss. His grandmother and granddaddy helped with every detail.
He could have been buried at Larkspur but something about home, where it all started, a place without leashes and all the green beans he could eat, felt right.
This is all to say, when someone loses a beloved companion animal the grief is just as real and sometimes even more complicated than if it were a human in the grave. I never realized how profound the grief was until now, but from here on out I will know how to be a better friend when someone loses their animal companion.
I’ll never forget that little dog rescued in the middle of the night while running in traffic during a rainstorm. Born in a puppy mill and sold at mall pet store. Best dog I ever had. Some say he hit the lottery, but I think it may have been the other way around.
Boxcar Willie Nelson 2005-2021
What to do when your pet dies:
For most of us, the loss of a pet can be the first time in our lives when we are confronted with death. It can also be a common reoccurrence for humans as we generally outlive our companion animals, and often have more than one in our lifetimes. The death of a companion animal can be as difficult, if not more so, than the loss of a human friend or family member. Our companion animals rely upon us for everything, and because of this, our bonds can be stronger than some human bonds—and as a result more difficult when loss occurs. Everyone experiences death and loss differently. Grief is as unique as a fingerprint. Allow yourself time and space when moving through the loss of a companion animal.
The following examples are meant to be guides when pet loss occurs. There are no hard and fast rules. When in doubt, lean on your local vet for support.
Death of a pet occurs under the supervision of a vet at home:
When death occurs at home under the care of a veterinarian you have time to be with your pet and provide care up until the final moments. During this time, you can invite those important to join you. You can create rituals that feel meaningful and important to both you and your pet. Your vet will provide you guidance as to what to expect during the process.
Death of a pet occurs suddenly or away from home:
Perhaps your pet has died from an emergency at the animal hospital or suddenly away from the comfort of home. Secure your pet’s body in a blanket or container for transportation home. Sometimes an animal hospital will provide a container or guidance here. It is also common to use your dog bed or crate for transportation if available. Your veterinary professional may take possession of your pets remains at this time if you are choosing cremation.
After death next steps:
Following death, your pet can remain in your home until the time of burial or cremation. It is common for a pet to be placed on their bed following death. Using a pee pad under your pet’s bottom can prevent soiling of the bedding as their muscles normally relax after death. The pee pad can be changed if soiled and replaced. Moist towelettes are suitable for sanitary care of any soiled fur. A modesty blanket can be placed over the lower portion of your pet’s body to hide the pee pad. If possible, place your pet in a curled up sleeping position. This will make burial or transportation easier as the body naturally cools and stiffens. A family pet who has died of natural causes and whose body is intact can generally remain in the family home for 24-48 hours without difficulty. In the case where illness or injury has caused excessive bleeding, open wounds, etc. this time should be lessened. Keeping a room cool by lowering the air conditioning, and opening a window during winter are common techniques to cool the body and prevent odor etc. commonly associated with decomposition. Frozen ice packs can be used, however they will condensate and require changing often. Common dry ice can also be used but must be wrapped in a paper bag or towel to prevent over freezing of sensitive skin tissue. Using a blanket to cover the body and ice will slow the melt and strengthen its effectiveness.
The next steps are to decide if your pet will be buried or cremated.
If choosing cremation, your vet should be able to provide and orchestrate cremation options.
Preparing For Burial—Step By Step:
If choosing burial, make sure you have the authority to bury your animal in the desired area. If you are a renter or do not own the property where you wish to bury, burial is not allowed without permission from the owner. If you own the property, burial is generally allowed but always check with the local health department or register of deeds if you have any questions or concerns.
Select a grave site. Avoid property lines and natural water features. If uncertain about utility lines please contact your utility provider to flag gas, water, and electric lines.
When digging a grave for a pet be sure to dig to a level of at least 36″ with a width that will accommodate the body or vessel in which it is contained. Use cardboard, a tarp, or piece of plywood to place the soil upon. Mark off the size of the grave using a tape measure or yardstick. First remove the grass or sod layer of soil first in the designated size of the grave and set it aside for later. Begin digging the grave and placing the soil on the prepared area until you have reached the desired depth. Smooth out the sides and the bottom to make placement of your pet easy. It is common to line the bottom of the grave with moss, twigs, flowers, or any vegetation you choose to make the grave ready to receive the body. This ritual can be helpful and healing to family and friends of the companion animal.
Carefully place the animal into the grave using lowering ropes, a blanket, or a friend’s help. When you are ready, begin returning the soil into the grave until all the soil has been returned and a mound of earth is present. The soil will naturally settle and create a barrier between the body and the surface, so there’s no need to force pat it down. Finally, place the grass sod you initially removed over the mound.
It is common to mark the grave with a stone, planting, or plaque of your choosing. Whatever feels right to you in this regard is the best way you can honor your beloved friend.
If you or someone you know has recently lost a companion animal please feel free to reach out to Larkspur Conservation for more support.
More Resources for Pet Death/Loss: