Mother’s Day and Father’s Day after the death of a parent are hard. Here are a few meaningful ways to honor your grief and celebrate your parents after they pass away.
Family events and celebrations look and feel very different after a parent dies. There are many emotions that bubble as Mother’s Day and Father’s Day approach. Sadness, anger, nostalgia, and even jealousy are all normal emotions that come up for people after the loss of a parent. When one or both of your parents are no longer alive, celebrating those special days doesn’t look like it used to anymore—but Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are not just for people whose parents are living. It’s for everyone.
Larkspur offers a number of different workshops, book clubs, and community events to support people through their grief, you can check those out here. However, if you’re having a hard time grieving the loss of a parent as these holidays approach, here are a few ways to reclaim the day and move through your grief, while celebrating those you love at the same time.
Honor Your Feelings Around the Day
Planning the day with a timeline can help manage many of the big feelings that come with big celebration days. Giving yourself time to honor all of those complicated feelings also honors you as a whole person–a person who can be sad one moment, and grateful or joyful the next. However the day greets you and whatever feelings come up, be gentle with yourself. Don’t judge whatever emotions bubble up, simply let yourself feel them as they come.
If you’d like more structure around those feelings, you can schedule yourself “me time” for each of the emotions you suspect you’ll feel on that day. For example, if there’s a time of the day where sadness usually comes up, say “this is the time I’m going to create for my grief,” and then let yourself grieve. If there’s a time of the day where you feel more thankful for the life you did get with your parent, let that emotion come too. Say, “this is the space and time I’m going to create for celebrating my mom (or dad),” and then use that time to reminisce about those happier memories.
Don’t be afraid to acknowledge why the day is hard, and don’t be afraid to acknowledge that some years are easier than others. There is so much empowerment in acknowledging our feelings. Acknowledging loss and grief normalizes the fact that everyone will lose someone important to them.
Approach the Day with Meaning Making
“Meaning making” is a term that really just refers to the act of people applying significance to something they do. It’s the process of creating and acknowledging purpose to the things we do and our personal narratives. It’s moving with intention. Since what is meaningful is as unique to us as people are, when you approach Mother’s Day or Father’s day through the process of meaning making, it can truly look like anything that makes you feel better.
You can make a memorial bouquet and spoil yourself with beauty like you would spoil your mom on the day if she were there. What kind of flowers were her favorite? Buy yourself a bouquet of them. Did she have a favorite restaurant or meal you shared together while she was alive? Take yourself on a date there in her honor of her memory—and don’t skip dessert!
The same kind of meaning making can be done to honor fathers who have died too. Did he have a favorite sport? If his favorite team is playing, watch the game from home or buy a ticket to see them. Go outside with friends and family to play golf or throw a football, kick a soccer ball or shoot some hoops with him in mind. Did he love to BBQ? Take out the grill and make some food. Making recipes or doing activities he loved might help you feel connected to him.
Whatever is most meaningful to you, go with that energy. You deserve to move through this day however it feels right, so give yourself some time to think about what might be best for you and go with it.
Create Something in Memory of Them
Another way to create meaning making in order to honor your grief and celebrate a dead parent is to energize your creativity. Creating something new in memory of a dead parent doesn’t have to look like a work of art or a scholarship fund–although it can look like that if you want. It can look like anything that fits your grief and needs around the day. Be it big or small, moving through your grief grounded in creative energy can help, especially on those hard holidays.
What kind of music did they like? Are there certain songs or musicians they introduced you to or that you listened to together? Make a playlist of those favorites. Spend the day surrounded by music. Dance to the “oldies but goodies.” Are there newer songs that remind you of them? Create a soundtrack for your day. Surrounding yourself with music on Mother’s Day or Father’s Day is a great way to honor your parent’s memory, celebrate their spirit, and comfort you on what could be a hard day.
If you like to draw, you can try your hand at drawing their portrait from a favorite photo of yours. If you feel more called towards books, you can write a “memory book” where you can relive all your favorite memories of them—creating meaning like this is legacy making. What you create can be passed down to future generations and comfort familial grief for years to come.
Ultimately, whatever you do to move through grieving your parent(s), and however you do that grieving, is totally personal and up to you. There is no “right” way to grieve and there is no “fixing” grief. Maybe the day will just be hard and none of these things speak to you–that’s OK too. However the day meets you, we hope you find comfort.
If you’d like to learn more ways to process and move through your grief, Larkspur offers resources for you. We host many grief workshops, grief book clubs, and other community events that help ground your grief as you move through your loss.