Looking for ways to support a grieving friend? Here are a few ways to help that lead with empathy and kindness.
It can be hard to know what the right thing to do is when a friend is grieving. There’s no “one-size-fits-all” roadmap when it comes to people’s needs, as mourning is a process that is as personal and unique as humanity itself. Grief can be quiet. It can be messy. It can be loud, or soft, or rough. As a bystander it’s difficult to see someone you love in pain. It is normal to feel like something you offer is helping, and then quickly realize it might not be–there’s a fine line between feeling helpless and helpful. However, there are ways to navigate helping a friend who’s experienced a loss without putting further burden on them to guide you in how to help them through the cloud of loss.
Here are a few ways to help support a grieving friend through actions that lead with empathy and kindness.
Reach Out – Then Help Out
This one might seem obvious, but reaching out is one of the best things you can do to support a grieving friend. To ask other people for help while in mourning can feel overwhelming for many, sometimes it can feel downright impossible. So, instead of waiting for someone to call or text and ask for your help, reach out and offer it to them. Let them know you’d like to offer tangible support.
What does tangible support look like? Helping a grieving friend doesn’t always have to look like a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on (though those actions do help if those are strengths you can offer); but if you’re not the talky-feely type, there are other substantial actions you can take to help support a loved one who’s experienced loss.
For instance, have them make a list of what needs done around their house and help them by checking off those boxes one by one. Take things off their plate like mowing the lawn, running errands for them like grocery shopping, or taking their dog for a walk so they can focus on rest. If they have young children, offer to babysit or cook them a meal so they don’t have to keep up the household for an evening. These are all household chores that often pile up and overwhelm someone who is grieving. So, find where your strengths fit best in helping your grieving friend then reach out to make those actions happen.
Listen – Don’t Fix
One great way to support a grieving friend is to simply sit down with them and listen to what they have to say. Hold space for their thoughts and feelings. If they want to talk about the person who has passed away, let them. If they want to talk about their feelings, be open and encourage them to share. If they simply want a safe space to cry and experience those emotions alongside of, be that person—especially if being a witness to emotionality is your strong suit. Grief will show up in many different ways over time, but when you show up consistently for a friend to listen to them it makes a huge difference in their journey.
One thing to keep in mind is that it’s important to show up open and accepting every time.Part of this consistent listening is to avoid giving advice or “comforting” generalizations that can so often bubble up in these moments. Things like “they’re in a better place now” or “it will get better” are often not helpful and can make the mourner feel even more disconnected from their feelings than they already do (read our suggestions on what to say here). It’s important to not try to fix their grief, and instead allow their grief to simply be something they’re experiencing at that moment.There is no fixing grief–grief just is. It’s a feeling that people must move through in their own ways on their own time. Grief can be a heavy thing, and trying to express it can sometimes feel burdensome. Let silence be a conversation partner between you and your grieving friend. When you show up to listen, bring a presence of openness and vulnerability. This attitude will help create a space for them to move through the darkness of their grief into the light.
Avoid Judgment
Because everyone moves through grief in their own way, healing is not always linear. There are mountains and canyons. There are moments of stasis and moments where grief barrels forward all at once. More often than not, the mourning process can feel messy, maybe even unbearable for those experiencing a new loss or death. That being said, one of the best ways to support a grieving friend is to leave your judgment at the door.
Remember: what might be right for them and their journey with grief might not be right for you and yours if you were to experience the same loss. Allow your grieving friend to make different choices than what you would make.Don’t prescribe or dictate what they should do to heal, and instead meet them where they are at in their grief journey with love and compassion. Everyone has their own path to walk when it comes to loss, and the last thing that anyone needs after the death of a loved one is to feel judged.
Offer Resources
When helping a friend who’s experienced a death, you might feel overwhelmed or at a loss. Maybe you reached out and they lashed out. Maybe it feels like nothing you’re trying is working and the tears never stop. Know you are not alone in wanting to help your grieving friend. Grief resources exist in the world that would love to show them the support they need during those hard moments. [link to grief resources page] The more resources someone has as they move through their grief, the better the possibility that they feel loved and supported during that experience. Remember, we cannot fix someone’s grief. Sometimes you help a grieving friend and that grief still persists. If you see your friend really struggling, encourage them to speak with a professional.
If you’d like to learn more about resources for supporting grief in your community, or important ways to help a friend who is experiencing grief, please contact us. We’re happy to connect you with resources so you can continue to encourage the people you love most.